Can of Wupazz

So there I was sitting in the corner of the press room at the NX11NJ (Near Exit 11 New Jersey) music conference, surrounded by free danish and dishwater coffee, waiting patiently to interview up and coming emo band Cutting Room.  I had been waiting about  a half hour and was wondering if I’d gotten the time of the interview mixed up when out of the blue I was accosted by Buzz Larkin and Taurus Ogletree of the band Can of Wupazz.  Without giving me a minute to protest they duct taped my mouth, covered my head with a sack, tied my hands behind my back and slung me over one of their shoulders.  Was this really happening?  You bet.  I had been interview shanghaied and there was nothing I could do about it.   What’s amazing is no one at the conference seemed to care.  I mean what was one less music blogger to them right?  Aren’t they handing out blogs at Wal-Mart these days?  Turns out most of the people in the press room thought it was a press stunt by Can of Wupazz and just shook their heads.  When they finally took the sack off my head and ripped the duct tape off my mouth I found myself sitting in the back of a rank Dodge Econoline van, clearly Can’s home away from home.  And so began my interview with the upstarts known as Can of Wupazz.

Figment:  Buzz, you started the band in your parents garage.  Why are you still living there?  In the garage that is…

Can of Wupazz (Buzz):  Sadly, its true.  But for medical reasons.  Doctors say I have lived in the garage for so long, my blood content needs to maintain 11.3% Carbon Monoxide or my lungs will explode from too much fresh air.  I actually have to bottle up garage fumes and bring them with me on tour.   That’s why I am spending a lot of time in L.A. these days, seeking out smog.

Figment:  You first full length album “Threat Level – Orange” wasn’t a big hit with everyone but the current administration.  Any ideas why?

Can of Wupazz (Buzz):  First off, Carl…that is your name right?  It’s our 17th album, but the first to be released digitially and under the Can of Wupazz name.  But to answer your question, The Administration, with a capital “T” and capital “A” had the GAO look into it.  It was due to the color of the album.  Our designer used color aureolineyellow instead of true orange.  So people didn’t get the connection between our album and the Threat Level condition of the U. S. of A.

Figment:  Did Dick Cheney really threaten to open up up a can of wupazz on you guys and in doing so give you your name?

Can of Wupazz (Taurus):  Dicky C. likes to say that after he’s smoked a blunt and left the bathhouse!  NO! NO!  Of course we kid with him.  So we don’t die, simple answer….Yes.

Figment:  What was it like playing for the troops in Iraq?  And how do you answer the critics who said the racket you caused led to the mortar attacks on the U.S. troops who came to see you play?

Can of Wupazz (Taurus):  To play  for the proud men and woman of this country was a true honor.  We’ll never forget that.  We’re actually heading down to play for the Cuban Army this spring as part of a peace outreach program.  Our music inspires our enemies to side with us.  As for the mortar attacks, the media again has some insane issue with us.   While we were playing our #1 hit “Here Comes Sammy”, we launched some surface to air missles…SAMMYs…as part of our pyrotechnics.  A few missed their targets and landed harmlessly…HARMLESSLY, in the mess hall.

Figment:  Are you members of the Coalition of the Willing?

Can of Wupazz (Buzz):  We are COWs.  We can’t offer more than that due to national security reasons.  Sorry bout that Cornelius.  That is your name, right?

Figment:  You have a new EP [“A Can of “What the F*@#?”] that was just released.  Was it really recorded live at CBGB’s before it closed or at Neverland Ranch as has been rumored?

Can of Wupazz (Taurus):  We were at Neverland Ranch over Chanukah 2007 recording some tracks with Michael as background vocals.  Those were used as part of the live performance.

Figment:  You claim to have won 3 Grammy’s for your first album “Threat Level – Orange” and yet the Recording Academy claims to have never even heard of your band let alone awarded you the Grammy they give to every band they’ve never heard of “Best Metal Performance” – any comment?

Can of Wupazz (Buzz):  That’s what happens when you do your research with an intern.  They were technical awards, not broadcast.  I haven’t heard of any other fake band win a Grammy, so fuck off.

Figment:  Who would you most like to open up a Can of Wupazz on?

Can of Wupazz (Buzz):  You, Dick..That is your name, right?

And with that the duct tape was returned to my mouth, the sack placed over my head and I was dumped out of the back of the Econoline onto the pavement.  As I listened to the van start up and drive away with squealing tires I prayed they were’nt turning around to drive over me like a speed bump.  For two hours I lay on the ground waiting for help to arrive.  None did.  I was beginning to lose hope when I felt someone trip over me.  It was Gavin Fanboy, manager of Cutting Room.  He proceeded to yell at me for missing the interview with his band.  Aah, the life of a fake music journalist.

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