Chad, Chad, He’s Our Man!

November 4th, 2008

Given that it’s election day we’re all very busy here at Figment Election Headquarters and don’t have a lot of time to blog.  With that in mind, we’ve decided to re-publish an interview with Chad Masters that we originally posted back on July 23, 2008.  Chad is that rare form of political maverick, the kind that actually IS a maverick.  In short, you never know what the hell he’s going to do!  So if you’re undecided today when you enter the voting booth, write in Chad, because believe it or not you COULD do worse.

Barack Obama John McCainRalph NaderChad Masters

Barack Obama, John McCain, Ralph Nader, Chad Masters.  Chad Masters? Okay, so you know the first three candidates running for President in 2008, but Chad Masters?  Isn’t he the bassist for Pincher Nipple?  Didn’t he recently have a run in with the employee of a Quiki Mart and spend a few months in the county clink?  Can a convicted felon run for President? All these questions and more were answered when we sat down at Masters campaign headquarters to conduct a one-on-one interview with the man himself, and by the time we were done not a Chad was left hanging.

Figment News: First of all, let me say thanks for taking the time to sit down with us for this interview.  I know you are a very busy man these days.  And with that in mind, let me ask you, what’s up with you and Pincher Nipple?  With 2 solo albums out now and a new Pincher Nipple record how do you juggle it all?

Chad Masters: I have to clear the air first of all. I am not going to be leaving Pincher Nipple.  My solo project is something that my therapist asked me to try.  After my time in jail, I had a lot of issues to sort out with no outlet for them.  She suggested I try writing them down in hopes of coming to terms with them.  Johnson saw some of what I was writing and said it would make some great whiney ass emo shit.  Now, Pincher Nipple would never put anything like that out, so I released it as a side project.  It has been quite cathartic.

Figment News:  I know there’s been some finger pointing and claims by Rod Johnson [brother of Pincher Nipple’s lead singer, Johnson] that his new band Crotch Rocket is better than Pincher Nipple, but has there been any internal squabbles with the rest of the Nipple crew about your solo projects?

Chad:  Screw Rod and the rest of those Crotch Rocket punks.  That kid is ungrateful.  Johnson pulled a lot of strings to get him signed and all he does is talk shit about us.  I don’t even want to talk about him.  As far as the rest of Pincher Nipple is concerned, this side project is just an outlet like I said before.  As a band, we are stronger than ever.

Figment News: “Liquor in the Front, Poker in the Rear” is the latest from Pincher Nipple.  What is that album all about?  Is the band trying to promote drinking and gambling?

Liquor in the Front, Poker in the Rear Album Cover

Chad:  This album was our homage to Vegas.  We love that place.  In fact, Vegas is a lot like Pincher Nipple…  Bright lights and hot nights.  Are we trying to promote drinking and gambling?  Hell yeah, we are.  Life is all about drinking and gambling, that and chicks, and money, and you’d better throw in some legal representation.  Next question.

Figment News:  Will the band be touring to support the new record?

Chad:  It’s in the works.  We’ve had some problems with our opening acts as of late, so if anybody out there thinks they have what it takes to tour with the Nipple, give us a shout. [editor’s note:  you can leave a shout in the shout box on Pincher Nipple’s Figment band page if you’d like to be their support act].

Figment News:  Your work with Pincher Nipple is purely hard rock, but on your solo records you’ve mixed it up a bit.  Why?

Chad:  Have you heard anything I’ve said.  Seriously dude, your starting to piss me off.  My side project is just one avenue to work out some personal problems.  Do you really think Pincher Nipple would play this stuff.  How many ladies are gonna throw their panties on stage when they come to see the sexiest, sleaziest, biggest [Masters holds his fingers about a foot apart] band in the world and all they do is cry and whine on stage about how miserable life is.  We are cock rockers.  We play loud and hard.  My solo work is just an escape.  A chance step away from myself if you will.  Your next question better be good or I’m outta here.

Figment News:  Fair enough, but I have to ask you what was the single most important thing you learned from your most recent incarceration?

Chad:  I’ll give you some credit for that one.  I’ve learned that I need to control my temper.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I tend to get worked up quickly.  That deli jockey may have screwed up my order, but that was no reason to tear the place apart and kick his ass.  And when I was in the joint, maybe, just maybe, if I had kept my mouth shut….. well I don’t want to talk about that.  Movin’ along.

Figment News:  Clearly your stay in prison influenced your first solo record, but what is the inspiration behind your latest record “Punch My Ticket”?

Punch My Ticket Album Cover

Chad:  I watch a lot of T.V.  and the one thing I never see is some ordinary dude standing up and telling these so called “representatives of the people” they suck.  They could care less if their constituents live or die.  Granted, I’m not ordinary by any means, but I get up and go to work and come home.  I hate hearing how stupid our country is compared to other countries, I hate hearing about all the crime, how people can’t afford to see a doctor.  It pisses me off.  So why couldn’t I be president.  I sure as hell don’t have to kiss any lobbyist ass to afford a campaign.  I sure as hell don’t need a cigar to screw an intern.  I’ll do things in that office they don’t even have a name for.  Obviously, you don’t need any qualifications to be a president, so why not?  I decided to run for president and what better way to kick off my campaign that with an album which may or may not have a campaign button that comes with the album.  Not sure what is going on with the buttons yet, might have to pick them up separately.

Figment News:  So the rumors are true that you are gearing up for a presidential run?

Chad:  What is wrong with you?  I just said I was.

Figment News:  Okay, moving right along, do you think that the “family values” crowd will support someone who has so candidly discussed sex and violence in their songs?

Chad:  Those so called “family values” people are way worse than me.  I can’t count the times some morally up righteous group talked shit about me and after a show their women would be kneeling at my alter, if you know what I mean.  The moral majority is a minority in my opinion.  It’s time the average guy stood up and got counted.

Figment News:  Pincher Nipple seems to be a cottage industry what with you branching out into solo work and lead singer Johnson’s little brother Rod forming Crotch Rocket.  Who do you think is making the best music of the three and are any of the other member’s thinking of going solo?

Chad:  Pincher Nipple by far.  Nobody can compete with us.

Figment News:  Are you in any way related to the rodeo star of the same name?

Chad:  Do I look like I watch rodeo?  I like reverse cowgirl as much as the next guy, but that is about all I know about rodeo.

Figment News:  Well if you’re going to run for President you’re going to have to get used to debate questions.  So here we go.  Mr. Masters it’s time for final statements, in ten words or less sum up your hopes for America in the next 4 years.

Chad:  It’s time?  it’s time, is it?  Ten words or less… America, I’m a rock star.  Punch my ticket…Vote Masters!

And there you have it, the audacity of hope, delivered by a leader we can believe in, who would never be caught dead in a Corvair.  Chad, you have our endorsement!

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